Mother and Me: Part 2

Since my mother's passing, twenty-some years later, basically, I was still the anguished, depressed, same old person who was still carrying the burden of guilt from her death. The more I learned, the deeper I went into darkness, and the pain worsened, having the same old shame and stigma with no road map! 

Learning healing modalities and spirituality helped me become more knowledgeable, skillful, and competent in my practice but didn't trigger healing, only made me more aware of the need for healing. I was still resenting my mother and my Japanese family, I felt like I was going nowhere, and life was on uncharted water. In fact, that unfinished business was impacting my self-worth and relationships with others.

Overwhelming worldwide challenges added to my own fear, especially the global financial turmoil that, as a freelance practitioner, threatened my world. It amplified the labor pain that forced me to face my relationship with my mother, which I had been avoiding forever! The pressure and anxiety got the best of me, and I finally surrendered to it completely. Suddenly, many more things popped up in my reality, leaving me baffled, as my life became increasingly intensified and more uncontrollable with ups and downs and everything in between.

I walked through the storm of Covid, a treacherous process, into transition. As a result, with resilience and a leap of faith, I no longer live in my mother and family's shadow. Instead, I broke off from the family stigma, finding acceptance of abusive family relationships, and freed myself to a new beginning.

I could never be grateful enough for the blessing in disguise of the pandemic and the life-changing three years; it shattered and nearly destroyed my practice and released me from the old inherited belief system. Doubling down my perseverance, which made me less guarded and more vulnerable, was the beginning of catharsis. I was able to look back and see that I need to heal as much as possible and go through the darkness to experience it and heal myself. Now it starts to make sense; it's the only way to be able to have genuine empathy and compassion; I probably wouldn't have it otherwise because I can sit back and watch myself continue the same old ruin, or choose to heal from it. As a wounded, healing healer, I offer my hurts and healing experience to help others.